Lifestyles of the Higher Dimensions
Escaping the Black Hole of Forgiveness
By Dr. Kathryn E. May
Revised 7/28/14, by Kathryn E. May, PsyD
Let’s talk about the black hole of forgiveness. Many times, people think they are expressing forgiveness when they are really in denial. A false New Age idea has been promoted that to become a loving spiritual being you need to forgive everyone, even if they mistreated, disrespected and mislead you. People are so uncomfortable with anger that it has become a religious practice to skip that emotion entirely and go directly to shutting down to fit in. This is called “forgiveness.”
There is also a similar New Age idea which goes something like this: we cannot use judgment because judgment is condemning others, and to be a spiritual person, we must love everyone. In fact, scrutinizing, assessing and measuring what is happening is a good use of our intelligence, not an unfriendly act. The cabal worked hard, for good reason, to train us into believing that using judgment is identical to being judgmental. It was a deliberate and brilliant teaching to trick humankind into embracing blindness. If we had truly looked at them with clear judgment, we would have seen through their illusion and they would have been powerless over us.
When we look closely at something, we allow the intuitive red flag response that instantaneously leads us to Truth and away from danger. But this would mean we have to use judgment. Instead, we are expected to be ignorant of what we feel, in order to make other people feel good, especially the ones who are behaving badly toward us. We are to expected to accept all people just the way they are, even if, here again… they have mistreated us, disrespected us, and mislead us.
The picture just described is so circular (forgiveness, denial, forgetfulness, denial, anger, denial, and blindness), it prevents us from ever getting to the point or the truth of what has actually happened. This attitude puts us forever at risk of repeating the mistakes of the past, when using our judgment and intuition would have allowed us the chance to bring our life to a higher level. So we are stuck in denial, because presumably, expressing who we are and what we think goes against forgiving others. This encourages endless tolerance toward people who should not be permitted the rights and privileges of being close to us.
This brings us to the third lie which leads to the Black Hole: By telling the truth, we are hurting others and “making waves.” This is not socially acceptable, will bring rejection and abandonment (from the very people we should have already left behind). While keeping this circular emotional prison we can’t speak truly or express our feelings honestly. We are expected to beam love or risk being seen as intolerant, selfish and overly sensitive.
How can you be able to beam love when you have put all the resentment, rage and fear into your stomach, intestines, heart and mind in order to paste a big smile on your face and pretend all is just fine? This is not love, forgiveness, tolerance or spiritual elevation; it is denial. All of it is designed to prevent you from being free, and to prevent you from raising your vibration to be the brilliant Lightworker you really are. You have just signed on to wearing the ball and chain which will prevent you from rising to your own Ascension.
Therefore, denial really means you must put all people, events and personal behaviors that you dislike and that make you feel ashamed, angry, hurt or unworthy into a little box labeled “Things to Forget.” This you place in a secret corner of yourself while you give yourself credit for having “worked this out.” By doing this, you adopt the cabal principle: “It happened so long ago it’s no longer true, so don’t bring it up.” Understand, that by doing this, you cannot manifest your ideal life because the vision of your ideal life dies with the denial of yourself.
If you are in denial mode, you can’t forgive yourself and you can’t forgives others.
How to resolve this paradox? First understand that there are two real forms of forgiveness.
First, there is the truth and reconciliation form of forgiveness, which takes place between two or more people who are present and aware of the interaction. It requires acknowledgement of responsibility, genuine regret and a heartfelt apology, “I promise I will never do this to you again” and they don’t, ever. Only then is it possible for the injured one to truly forgive and go on in the relationship without compromising their integrity and good judgment. (Beware the false apology which carries a tone of blame and entitlement – the “I’m sorry you made me do it” manipulation.)
The following conditions must be present in order to resolve the conflict:
– The one who has been hurt acknowledges their feelings and offers the other the opportunity to make up for their mistake; it is a gift of trust and good will.
– When the person who has hurt another takes responsibility, expresses genuine regret, and asks for forgiveness, it creates an environment in which real closeness and trust can grow. From this fertile ground, a strong and healthy relationship can develop.
Genuine reconciliation and forgiveness requires openness, transparency, mutual kindness and conscious agreement before moving on. If you have not accomplished this, and you decide to stay, you are creating a recipe for disaster. If you haven’t seen all of the above elements, you are abandoning your freedom and the opportunity to be authentically yourself. It is wiser to walk away. Compromising your integrity in trade for resolution can only recreate the cycle of resentment and pain.
The second form of forgiveness is a solo mastery of feelings, apart from any continuing relationship. This is not to be confused with the above reconciliation/forgiveness. In this case, the perpetrator is unrepentant, unwilling to negotiate, or absent. This form of forgiveness MUST NOT be used as an excuse for playing on the dark side by supporting another’s bad behavior, or for congratulating yourself for being above it all.
We understand that the internal resolution of pain or injury from the past is the path to peace of mind. In order to accomplish this we must be willing to release all feelings of resentment or victimization, which keep us tied to the perpetrator and the darkness we experienced. Seeing that our own recovery is more important than revenge allows us to make the choice to release ourselves to love again, in spite of past hurt.
One who has been devastated by traumatic events or a life without love can lose their grip on themselves, on their faith in God and on their self-respect. People who have been victimized can fall into a bottomless pit of self-blame and loathing. It takes courage, determination, focus and humility to restore your Faith and to believe in yourself.
This form of forgiveness is fundamentally about your own recovery and the decision to live in the present, in love with yourself. Embracing the truth of your past rather than trying to deny it makes it possible to restore your sense of self-respect and worthiness. This is a real achievement. Loving yourself is the true key to forgiveness. It is the way out of the Dark Hole.
When you are willing to face what happened and how it made you feel, a kind of understanding comes spontaneously, bringing with it compassion and understanding. If you don’t skip looking at it honestly, it becomes easy to understand others’ participation and ours. Seeing darkness where it exists, and leaving it and the people who espouse it behind, is not being judgmental or negative; it is simply Truth.
Awareness of why we came to this life, what our part has been, how it interplays with others, and how the lessons learned help us to rise through all of it, creates a new understanding of what Love and Light really are. With such clarity, the need for forgiveness melts away. What is left is deeper compassion and Love for ourselves, and in a more objective way, appreciation for all who have walked this path alongside us.
Mother and Father God are our model for Unconditional Love. Because of their absolute capacity to see everything plainly and with honesty and Love, there is no need for them to forgive us for anything. Their capacity to see the difference between Light and Darkness is unlimited, and they watch our choices with Love and compassion, not approval or disapproval. We work our way toward them, up the Ascension ladder by our own mettle and our growing awareness. Truthfulness always brings us closer to them.
Our experiences have been our lessons, and it is our responsibility to complete them with understanding and honesty. Mother and Father have no need to either judge or forgive. They simply Love us as we evolve, coming ever closer to them. How quickly we ascend depends upon our willingness to turn away from darkness in all its forms and move joyfully into the Light – directly into the arms of our Mother and Father, who eagerly await our return.
For further support on resolving these issues for good, see Chapter 27, “How Can I Get Over It?” and Chapter 28, “Learning Forgiveness,” in Who Needs Light? by Kathryn E. May, PsyD